12 – Reality Bites

The sun beat down hard onto the black slate of Martin Place. Workers in black suits scurried across the arid landscape – to the air conditioned oasis of offices and food-halls.

It was only 9:30 am and already the temperature was creeping over 30 degrees, that’s pretty hot, I thought to myself.

I had been at my desk on the 48^th floor of the MLC building for 42 minutes and my back was still sweaty from the dash to my office. The air-conditioning had cooled my damp shirt and an icy chill ran down my spine when it touched my skin.

I was contemplating another coffee.

The weekend had left me with a confused headache of pain and frustration. My first coffee had given me a satisfying buzz, but it was slowing down and now it seemed to be mingling with the pounding in my head to spin the pain deeper and faster.

Reading emails was taking my mind of it. Focussing on the screen meant that, at the very least, I wouldn’t have to deal with my co-workers, at least until I regained some composure. Then the phone rang.

I looked at it in muted surprise/fear/confusion. It kept ringing as a debate raged in my fragile mind. ‘I’m gonna have to answer that – I could pretend not to be here – everybody knows i’m here – i’m gonna have to answer that – I don’t HAVE to do it – what if it’s important – that’s even more reason not to answer it – shit – it’s probably just Sam.’ It kept ringing…. I grabbed the receiver.

“Hello (cough) Jonathon speaking.” I said.

“Ah good morning Jonathon this is Henry over at Industry. I’m looking over the policy wording you sent through last week. I just have a few concerns about our recommendations having not been included?”

My mind reeled. Was this Henry from IDC or the Industry ministers office? shit. What policy did he mean? My head screamed in agony at being put through such strenuous paces.

“Yeah… um… not a problem Henry, I just got into the office and i’m trying to sort out my inbox. Was that the final budget proposals or… the uhh… Northern Infrastructure plans?” I stammered.

“Northern Infrastructure? I don’t know what you’re talking about Jonathon. We spoke last week in the estimates meeting and you assured us you’d get the amended version of the policy papers to us first thing today? You do know what i’m talking about don’t you? The final budget proposals are due in at midday today.”

All the blood drained from my face, my stomach turned inside-out and a strange rush of adrenaline and fear flooded through my body. My mouth was dry. I was aware that my mind should have been shuffling through responses and juggling consequences, I needed to salvage this situation and I only had a split second in which to do it. Instead my mind was blank, no words came. The silence screamed down the phone line.

“Yeah yeah it’s not a problem. I’m just waiting on Charlotte to get back to me with the Ministers decision.” My choked response came out in a higher pitch than normal.

Look Jonathon I don’t know what you’re all playing at over there but I spoke to Charlotte this morning and she assured me you had sent us the signed-off proposal. Now we need to get that in the next hour, or the Minister will look quite the fool.” Henry said curtly before hanging up.

My forehead was propped up on my left arm which was leaning on the desk. I had the receiver held to my ear with my right arm. I sat there in stunned silence. The need to act, and act fast was apparent, but instead I remained frozen in shock. The memories all flooded back. The estimates committee, my Minister assuring everybody their amendments would be included and my eyeing off the petite blonde in an impossibly tight skirt -suit. I grabbed my diary, flicked back to last week; there it was – shit. My note to finalise the budget request with IDC by first thing Monday. It was right next to Natalie’s phone number and a red love heart – shit.

To be continued…

11 – Love not fight

I took a deep breathe, I looked left, then right and then I twisted slightly and rammed my elbow into Tyrone’s chest. I shoved him away from me, sending him stumbling across the room. I followed him as he recovered and as he swung around I grabbed his shoulders and sent him reeling backwards into the dog haired armchair, he fell into it with a thud and without hesitating I was standing over him.

“Don’t be fuckin touchin’ me asshole, the coppers dropped us here but they also ferried your latest delivery of Hollands finest here as well. We take a lot of risks for you and i’m not gonna put up with your gangster shit.” I explained, my chest was straining but my voice didn’t falter.

“You’re in my fuckin’ ‘ouse Johnny, you’re on thin ice my son, if you brought the coppers to my house your finished.” Tyrone rasped through clenched teeth, his steely grimace was working over time.

It was a bizarre stand-off with me standing over Tyrone’s shadowy frame. He didn’t like being seated, it put him in submissive pose, but I knew his bark was worse than his bite, he needed to be put in his place.

“Shut the fuck up Tyrone! Ya shit ‘ed” Pinks chimed in, with typically impressive timing and calm.

“Smoke this.” He said, offering a freshly rolled joint to Tyrone.

“Yeah… aright, ah fuck you both.” said Tyrone as he accepted the biff.

I took a seat next to Pinks on the couch. When I caught Tyrones eye I leaned forward and swung my hand towards him to shake hands, we slapped a momentary handshake, then both clenched our fists and punched our knuckles together, “Bones,” we both chimed, with a mutual nod of the head. With this, the tension in the room subsided.

Milly offered Tyrone a line, Pinks’ face turned inside out, I could see the house breathing as the curtains blew against the wind, clouds drifted in and dashed around the fire place that dripped ash from the ceiling.

To be continued….

10 – Through the looking glass

I had recognised Tyrone’s voice immediately. His deep South London accent boomed over the others. I’d rushed to the door after hearing the commotion; but with my hand on the door handle I hesitated. I knew I had to help him out, Tyrone was a mate of mine, not a close friend but a mate none-the-less. I hesitated because I knew Tyrone and I knew the dodgy shit he was into, I knew he carried a knife, what if they had guns? Should I be getting involved in this shit? Fuck, but I gotta help him. So I took a deep breathe… and looked through the peep hole.

“What-the-fuck!!” I muttered to myself.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It couldn’t be? Could it? I thought to myself. So I leaned forward and took another look, “This is some fucked up shit.”

My mind was racing, what were they doing here? Why were they fucking with Tyrone. As I stood there frozen, my mind trying desperately to rationalize the situation, I heard a key slide into the door. I stepped back behind the door as it opened.

Tyrone sauntered into the hallway and instantly dominated the space. He was a little under six feet tall, with his big black cap sitting atop a thick mat of dreads, he seemed to block out the light and cast a long shadow through the room. He slammed the door behind him… then paused, I knew he’d sensed me,

“Tyrone what the fuck was that about?” I blurted out.

His head snapped around, his eyes were wide, bloodshot and pulsing. His teeth were bared and he was breathing hard. I looked into his face, trying to find any trace of recognition, my heart rate began to rise. The air was thick with tension, I filled my lungs and then felt myself holding my breathe.

“What da fuck are you doin’ be’ind my fuckin door?” Tyrone calmly asked.

“Shit dude, I was; fuck, I heard you shouting, I didn’t know… I was comin’ to help, you!” I choked.

“You. Help me? Thanks dude but I can sort my own shit out, you’re lucky I didn’t fuckin’ rip you a new asshole hiding behind the door.” Tyrone said.

“I wasn’t hiding ya shit’ed. I was watchin’ your back” I countered.

“Oh yeah, from behind the door huh, yeah well thanks for that.”

Said Tyrone as he turned to make his way down the corridor.

By the time we got into the lounge room Pinks and Milly were wide eyed with intrigue at what had been going on.

Tyrone stood in front of them, arms crossing a broad chest, wrapped in his uniform of black jacket over black singlet. I often gave him shit for his painfully stereotypical attire. He looked like a carbon copy gangster from Saturday morning video hits. He never responded well to my chiding, but i’d gradually worn him down to realise it was just friendly banter.

As he explained it, his line of business called for a menacing appearance. He wore an oversize leather jacket over a black singlet, which emphasized his jacked up frame, his right arm was emblazoned with a full sleeve tat. It was an impressive mess of Japanese influenced cuy and waves mixed with Thundercats and Voltron cartoon characters, plus some requisite cursive scrawl. A huge, gold Tag Huer watch hung on his wrist, it was bulky and looked terribly uncomfortable, he was obsessed with it and happily talked about how much it was worth whenever anyone paid it attention.

His perpetual scowl was another requirement of business on the streets. If you weren’t a friend you weren’t likely to get a smile out of Tyrone no matter how much gear you were buying. In fact you’d wanna be worried if he smiled at you, the last time I’d seen him grin at a stranger he’d been standing over a bloodied seven foot bouncer who’d tried to kick him out of Porkies. This wasn’t a guy I wanted to make enemies of.

“Hows it’ Mill” chimed Tyrone in a tone he reserved for the privacy of his home.

“Areyouok?Weheardyouatthedoor?” squealed Milly

“Yeah its all good, just some fuckin’pigs tryin’ to shake me down, its getting’ real fuckin’ bad these days, can’t even walk out my own front door without some stooge getting’ into my face.” said Tyrone

“Pigs?” Pinks chimed in. “The pigs were HERE?”

“Pinks, bro, you ‘aint gonna believe who they were.” I interjected, in the most relaxed voice I could muster.

“You don’t mean…” Pinks said with a questioning look.

Tyrone swung around and thrust his face towards mine, “Wha’ the fuck are you on about J, you knew those fuckers?”

“JohnnyandPinksgotdroppedoffbythecopsTy,theynealryhadacrash!” rattled Milly

“Is this fuckin’true Johnny?” rasped Tyrone, he shoved me backwards and lent close as I was pushed up against the wall.

I could feel Tyrone’s smokey breathe on my face, his breathing was hard but steady, his flared nostrils and red eyes were all I could see. My mind was still racing trying to figure out why the same two cops Pinks and I had dealt with had come back and roughed-up Tyrone. Had we led them here, shit.

To be continued…

09 – Speed

Milly had the sunken eyes of an insomniac, her pale skin sagged off her bones like wet sheets and had the palor of a stained linoleum floor.

Her red eyes gaped and twitched, the pupils swelled in painful fits of rage at the flickering blue lightning of the television. A crust of sticky white saliva was growing from the corners of her mouth as she shouted cynical abuse at toothpaste ads.

Milly hadn’t slept for about three days now, her voice was raspy and she couldn’t seem to concentrate for more than a few sentences, it was painful to watch. Her energy levels ebbed and flowed, whenever I thought she was going to slow down she’d erupt into a violent diatribe, a barely comprehensible slew of ideas and obscenities.

Pinks and I were sitting in muted amazement, the TV was blaring and our conversations were deteriorating into absurdity.

“This is bullshit dude, let’s bail. Do you still wanna catch that gig at Spectrum?” I asked.

“Nodon’t leaveyouguys,Iwannaparty!” whined Milly.

“Come out with us Milly! Sitting here watching you argue with the tele is lame. Pinks lets do it bro.”

“I dunno if I could be fucked anymore man.” moaned Pinks.

“What? You lazy fucker, you always do this! Whatta you wanna do, just sit her and trip out with little miss crackhead here. No offense Milly.” I said.

“Nonetakenfuckface!” mumbled Milly.

“I dunno man its been a hectic night, i’m pretty happy chilling and you know what the coppers said, I can’t be on the road again tonight, they’ll have my balls!” Pinks said.

“Don’t give me that shit, since when do you listen to what the pigs say. You’re such a useless bastard. This fuckin’ TV’ll rot your brain bro.” I shouted in frustration.

I flopped back into an armchair that was covered in dog hair. There was a game show on where contestants had to guess the price of groceries and if they got it wrong they’d be dunked into a pool of coloured water. The confused contestant had wide, wild eyes, she looked as wired as Milly. She was hopped up on the promise of cash and prizes, buoyed by the bright lights and the goading of the hysterical host. The clock was ticking down, her knowledge of the price of tins of tomato soup had the potential to bring her riches, the baying of the studio audience was reaching fever pitch. The camera swayed eratically from a close up of the frayed contestant to the bright white teeth of the host, down to the bubbling blue pool below and back to the hyperventilating crowd. The intensity was blinding, the outcome intoxicating; a lawn-mower, steak knives, digital cameras, a new car! It was all within reach!

“Fuck this! I can’t deal with this bullshit! What are you making me watch this?” I shouted as I jumped from the moist arm chair.

“I’m goin’ out, you bums can do what you like.”

I grabbed a bag of charlie off the coffee table, threw on my jacket and headed for the door.

Milly didn’t take her eyes off the screen, Pinks gave me a confused look and just mumbled some abuse before returning to concentrate on his cigarette.

I was weaving my way down the cluttered corridor when I heard a sudden screaming argument erupt right outside the front door, it was so sudden and so loud I was frozen in shock. Then a thud rattled the door on its hinges, someone had lunged, or been shoved, into the door. I could hear more voices shouting and and more jostling, fuck, it was a fight, right on the doorstep! Who the fuck was it? Should I help? Fuck!

To be continued…

08 – Living in sin

The door to Milly’s house was never locked, the lights were always on and there was always someone at home; granted they weren’t always conscious, but they still served as a familiar welcome.

The odour was the first thing that hit you when you entered the house. The foul mix of stale cigarettes, damp carpet and singed hair never ceased to amaze me with its consistency and longevity. It was probably the only stable thing in this house. The residents changed with the frequency of Zimbabwean currency. Her most recent housemate up and left in a fit of rage after Milly passed-out in the bath with the taps running and flooded most of the house. There was no way she could pay the rent on her own so she resorted to letting her dealer move in. She owed him so much money that she now had to help him shift gear and put up with dead-shits knocking on the door 24/7.

The main corridor was lined with huge stacks of cardboard boxes filled with flyers for various gigs around town. Somewhere along the way someone had taken on the job of distribution and then ditched the flyers once they’d been paid. Milly was convinced she was sitting on a goldmine; she was just waiting for a paper shortage to realise her investment.

Walking through the house I felt a familiar repulsion at the soggy carpet, the gaping holes in the walls and the sagging ceiling; but at the same time I knew it was a perverse curiosity that kept me coming back, to see just how decrepit this old house would get.

“JOHNNY!PINKS!AHHHHHHH! Iloveyouguys!!!!” screamed Milly in a high pitched squawk as we entered the living room. She jumped off the couch, with her pink satin dressing gown flowing off her shoulders, revealing the red slip she was wearing underneath. I had always imagined that Milly had been a looker in her teens, I could see her being a sixteen year old tease who learned, early on, the power a bit of cleavage had on men. This power was very real, but unfortunately it tended to warp a woman as she got older and her body sagged. It left a gaping hole where self respect should have been.

The coffee table was strewn with overflowing ash trays, half empty cups of coffee and a mirror with traces of what i suspected was speed, Milly’s drug of choice.

She bounded into me with an emphatic embrace. After a quick peck on the cheek she dashed past me and jumped up to grab Pinks around the neck.

Without missing a beat she dashed back to the couch started rolling a cigarette while flicking through the channels on the TV in an impressive flurry of coordination.

“SoTriggerislivingwithmenowhey,didyouguyshearthat,he’skindofadick,
buthepayshisrent,hisfriendsarerudefuckersbutthere’salwaysplentyofgoey,youguyswantsome,
IjustgotmystimuluspackagemoneyandTriggerisofferingaRud8balldeal,$1800foran8ball,
youjustgottafindsomeonetogohalves.Howgoodisit,900bucksjustforbeingAussie,
finallywe’vegotacoolPrimeMinister!” Milly’s words came out in a violent flurry, a verbal onslaught that was exhausting to take in.

“Come on Milly you can’t be serious, the stimulus package is nothing but an irresponsible clamber for popularity.” I countered.

“You’realwayssoseriousJohnny,itsfreecash,justenjoyit.” Milly giggled.

“Fuck off Milly this is our nations future we’re talking about here, this shit IS serious. Throwing cash at people is hardly the most responsible way to stimulate the economy, I mean look at how your spending it, its gonna go straight into the black market. I’ll probably save mine and spend it overseas; and Pinks here will drop his on one of the good-time-boys who hang around in kings Cross.” i said with a laugh in Pinks’ direction.

“Hey fuck you buddy, i’ll shove a stimulus package up your ass if you don’t shut up.” laughed Pinks

“All i’m saying is this will only give our economy the briefest of relief and then we’ll be burdened with debt for the next decade. Why couldn’t they just come up with a long list of useless investments and pump money into them. The least they could do is put some limits on what people can buy with the cash. Limit it to solar panels and push bikes and books for university and clothes for your kids.” I argued.

“Fuckyou’reaboringmotherfucker” said Milly as she shuffled speed around a mirror. “We’vegotapileofwhizzherepaidforbyKevinandyou’recomplaining
abouttheGovernmentseconomicmanagement,lightenup.”
squawked Milly.

“You’re so short-sighted, the government should be investing in the future, not thowing money at idiots like us who’ll just blow it on a big weekend.” I moaned. “But hey, the damage has been done, lets get into it.”

“I second that” mumbled Pinks.

“Hey Milly, you’re never gonna beleive what happened to us on our way here….!”

To be continued….

07 – The light fantastic

The city lights were a kaleidoscopic blur, so close, yet so alien and fleeting; they seared the darkness with a vivid electric burn. The colours swirled and swam together, blurred by the glass. I could feel the cool rush of our speed pulsing through my forehead as it rested and jolted on the car window. My drooping eyelids caught the flash of neon signs and the squeal of fluorescent lights. I couldn’t focus my vision, I was concentrating on the churning roar of the engine. Its vibrations were tingling through every inch of my body. The pulsing rhythm was an earthquake through my liquified thoughts, I was ready for every molecule of my distant body suddenly breaking free and floating away on its own sonic wave.

My head thumped savagely against the glass. I was shocked back to the reality of sitting in the back seat of a police car with a head full of stars and an alibi to maintain. As I blinked my eyes back into focus and licked my sandy lips I grabbed what little composure I could muster.

The officer shouted a curt warning, “I don’t wanna see either of you on the road again tonight!” With that I slammed the door and stepped onto the curb. The other cop threw Pinks his car keys and pushed past me to get into the squad car. As we watched the fat assed tail of the blue and white falcon squeal into the distance a wry grin crept onto my lips.

“That shit tops the list bro, I can’t believe we pulled that off!” I said and turned to Pinks. He stood motionless, breathing hard and shaking his head.

“Fuck man, don’t you get what just happened…” said Pinks.

“What’s up dude, we got a police escort!”

“Ok dipshit, just think for a minute, can you remember what we were doing before we nearly skidded to our deaths outside that pub?”

“Fuck you, we were driving to Milly’s until you decided to get all sideways and burn some rubber.” I retorted.

“That’s right genius, we were driving to Milly’s.”

“Oh shit.” I rasped.

The blood drained from my face and I felt all the fluid from my legs rush into brain. I breathed deeply to retain my composure.

“You getting’ it now bro” said Pinks smugly.

We walked over to Pinks’ car that the cop had parked against the curb. Pinks opened the drivers side door, I looked over his shoulder as he lent into the car and reached under the seat.

“Thank fucking christ!” he said, kneeling on the tarmac, cradling a bag filled with close to a hundred pills.

“hahahaha, that is the icing on the fucking cake of goddam providence my friend. Not only did we get blind and then get driven here by the Po Po, but they couriered out latest batch of merchandise for us. This shit is off the chain!” I roared.

My head started to pulse again as I took in a deep breathe of cold night air. The risks we took in handling illegal substances was always on my mind and a weighty burden; but in the end, the rush of getting away with it was a high in itself.

“yeah well i’m glad you’re enjoying yourself, while you were tripping the light fantastic I was sweating the ass out of my pants and chewing my fingernails to the bone.” groaned Pinks.

“Pinks my man, lighten up! We got here didn’t we; and I don’t think there is any question about the quality of this new batch, i’m still tweakin! Lets go share the love.” I said.

“hey bite me asshole, if it wasn’t for my advanced driving skill we wouldn’t have even made it into the city, plus it was my fast talking that got us a ride home! If I remember correctly you were shitting yourself when those coppers turned up.” bawled Pinks.

“yeah yeah, whatever ape-man, you were red as a beetroot when that five-cent-piece was trying to talk you down, I was cool as a cucumber.”

“Enough of this salad talk, you were lucky to be able to talk at all, you were trippin so hard I was waiting for you to start licking the footpath.” said Pinks.

“Damn straight, I’m fuckin’ off chops, but I coulda talked those pigs into anything, I coulda got ‘em to come inside and do a line with us! Hey, if you ask me nicely I can even tell that big bellied copper you fancy him, I could sense the sexual tension between you two!” I sniggered.

“Keep talkin’ pretty boy and i’ll give you a sneak preview of what its gonna be like when you get locked up” said Pinks as he tried to grab me in a headlock.

I slid under his arm and gave him a sharp elbow to the gut. He let out a groan and then jabbed his arm into my chest and swung his leg behind mine, tripping me onto the grass. He fell on top of me but I managed to swing an arm around his neck and pull his chin into my chest. Pinks was trying to get his legs around mine but I had got my feet back onto the ground and was slowly lifting him off the ground, he sensed an imminent body slam and swung all his backwards, this unbalanced me and we end up rolling backwards again. The brawl continued as we made our way to the door of Milly’s house. By the time we rang the doorbell we were both covered in grass stains, sweaty and laughing with maniacal grins.

To be continued…

06 – Showdown

I looked them up and down. “What would the charge be? Speeding? Wreckless driving? Illegal parking? All of these claims are baseless and you know it, know it. It would be a waste of your time and theirs, I mean ours.” I was amazed that these words were coming out of my mouth in the right order. I hadn’t been able to think through my rant. I could only think of a few words at a time and there seeemd to be a lag between when I said them and when they came out. It was like watching a cricket ball hit a cricket bat from far away in the stands.

Now I wasn’t going to be arrogant enough to think that I could simply out talk this guy. He clearly needed to save face in front of his lacky. You gotta give ‘em a way out.

“Officer, I can understand your predicament, this car is clearly in violation of traffic ordinance, but if we moved it, it would have been dangerous two hours ago and obviously we are both incapable of driving in our present states. There is surely a more practical way to settle this issue.”

I took a deep breath. My head now spun so violently that I stumbled a little. The officers had let their shoulders droop and were now speaking in hushed tones to each other. I turned to look at Pinks. He still had a steely look and was standing upright with arms crossed. He met my glance and gave me a wink.
“Alright, this car needs to be moved and I don’t have all night to deal with you two. So this is what’s going to happen. Your going to get it towed and i’ll drive you two home. Now your lucky i’m feeling generous and that we won’t have to go down to the station.”

This made all the fuming and buzzing in my head recede, I let out a breathe and made to say thank-you when Pinks cut in, “That’s not going to happen officer. Its not our responsibility to move this car. This accident wasn’t our fault. How will it look if we explain that the Police refused to help us when we had such a traumatising event.”

Fuck, I thought. Pinks always pushes it a little too far. The officer slammed his hands onto his hips. He sucked out his chest and his face looked like a beetroot, he was ready to blow. I snuck a look at his partner, his eyes were locked on Officer McKintey and he was as eager to see his reaction as I was.
“Look, you two are pushing my patience. I want this car moved now.”

Pinks didn’t wait a moment, “Well we can’t drive and we’re not going to pay for a tow!”

It was dead-lock. They looked like wild bison lining up to run at each other head-on.

The tension was thick and warm. Pinks was drenched with sweat but his glare didn’t waver from the officers.

“You two are very lucky I don’t lock you up. Alright, this car needs to be moved, and NOW. So, Wilks.” He glared at his partner. “You’re gonna drive that thing and i’ll take these two in my car. Lets go, give him your keys young man.”

The relief flowed through me cold and sensual, like a gin martini after a day on the beach.

So sitting in the back of the police car, zooming up William st, I couldn’t get the grin off my face, we’d done it again, and with a police escort!

I looked over at Pinks. He’d stopped sweating and instead was white as a sheep. Our eyes met, he shook his head slowly. I couldn’t work out what was up but i’d never seen Pinks so freaked out.

No-one said anything the whole trip.

To be continued…

05 – Fast Talking

I was sweating pretty hard now. I had always prided myself on being cool in a sticky situation. I had always managed to conjure up some sort of plausible deniability to back up any wrong doing. It’s part of the world’s sick humour that white, middle class professionals, like me, could get away with almost anything in our society. However, with these two cops walking towards us I wasn’t so confident that this one was going to sort itself out. I tried to get my mind to flick through a few excuses but nothing would come, i drew a blank. It was like trying to do a Google search without an internet connection.

The cops were getting closer and I was losing faith in the ability of Pinks to talk us out of this one. He had his head drooped into his lap and seemed to be digging through his pockets. I took a deep breathe and for a fleeting moment I grasped onto the hope that maybe the cops weren’t approaching us about the near fatal crash and illegally parked car (if parked is what you could call it.) This hope didn’t last long. Pinks looked up, his eyes darted fitfully from side to side and then he held his hand out to me under the table. With a ridiculous furrowing of his eyebrows and nodding downwards he motioned for me to take whatever was in his hand. I didn’t hesitate as I was painfully on edge. With the cops only two tables away I realised what Pinks was offering me. I didn’t have time to react before he’d put the cap into my hand. My eyebrows shot up, and again this wasn’t a very subtle reaction.

I now had only an instant to make a decision. I could hold onto this pill, put it in my pocket, but then what did these cops want? What if we got arrested, this is not something I wanted on me if I was to get hauled down to the cop shop. I could ditch it… but then that would be a painful waste. So with the pressure of the situation and the realisation that I might soon be behind bars, I raised my hand to my mouth, threw the dinger back and holding it under my tongue feigned a cough. I swallowed it with a gulp of my beer. I caught a glimpse of Pinks’ face stretched with a maniacal grin before a hand landed on his shoulder.

“Good evening Gentlemen. Would either of you happen to be the registered owner of the vehicle parked on the footpath outside this establishment?” One of the two officers said, in a gruff and precise tone.

“Yes,” said Pinks, followed by a raspy gulp.

“We are investigating an incident that was reported to our station and would appreciate your assistance in this inquiry,” the officer said.

I was incredulous, I was that close to pissing myself laughing, but i held it together. This copper was serious. His furrowed brow was serious, his puffed up chest was serious and his perfectly perpendicular tie clip was very serious.

“It would appear a car travelling in the south bound lane has lost control on its exit from the Harbour bridge and moved into the north-bound.. ah.. lane, where it has continued onto the pedestrian way. It would appear that this is where it became stationary and has since not been relocated. Would I be correct in this assertion?”

With this Pinks and I looked at each other, I could barely suck in a breath, I was so close to bursting out laughing. Pinks didn’t miss a beat.

“You would be correct officer, however, you omitted the important detail that the said vehicle lost control due to a serious infraction involving a build up cars on Parks st. My quick thinking and years of experience behind the wheel allowed me to avoid a serious accident.”

I managed to maintain a steady brow and waited with bated breath to see how the boys in blue would react. The first officer, who clearly wore the pants in his partnership, listened intently but not a millimetre of his creased and wrinkled face moved. His skin was thick and leathery but it maintained a smoothness that hinted at the use of moisturiser. I was itching to question him about skin care but bit my tongue as the tension was building.

“We are aware of the build up of traffic that occurred this evening and it is understandable that traffic altercations should be the result. However, the parking of a car on a pedestrian way bordering a freeway is a serious offence. If you don’t deny being the registered owner and driver of the vehicle then I will have to ask you to escort me outside.” Said the policeman. His partner stood a small distance back and nodded in agreement at the appropriate times to indicate his support for everything his partner said. His support seemed so profound that it was as if his partner spoke for the whole justice system, it was as if his stern nodding and unflinching seriousness could embody the combined fervour and quest for law and order for which the entire police force stood.

I looked towards Pinks with a grin and he met my gaze. In an instant I sensed he’d felt this guy out and that he had his number. We both sprang off our seats and with upright stances followed the Police officers outside. My mind flooded with possibilities. My mind had gone from mush to a well oiled machine in an instant.

The situation was ridiculous, four grown men standing on the footpath of a main road looking at a car parked on the footpath facing the wrong way. The numerous cars flying past us would have been full of rubber-necked onlookers, all of whom would have seen the two of us standing there, and predicted our immediate incarceration.

“So we have a car illegally parked on a freeway, we can assume you were speeding when you rounded that corner and were following the car in front too closely, and to add insult to injury you two are both intoxicated. This is a serious offence, you young men are in a lot of trouble.”

My insides seemed to liquefy instantly and flooded into my brain. I stood there in contorted pain as I considered the gravity of the situation. My vision was going a little patchy and a wooziness started to send me swaying.

Pinks savagely elbowed me in the ribs as he flung his arms in the air.

“Well excuse me officer… officer McKinty. But you’ve clearly not investigated this incident very carefully. This car is not parked, it is the site of an accident and we were not going to move it until the incident was appropriately investigated. I believe this is called due diligence. Secondly, we were not speeding on our approach to the corner, it is a notoriously blind corner that is currently being investigated by the RTA. Coming round the corner I had only an instant to react when I saw that the traffic head was stationary, so I wasn’t following any car too close. My quick thinking avoided a pile-up. I should be commended not berated. To top it off, I don’t see what is so insulting about two young men having a few beers to calm their nerves after being in such a traumatising incident.”

Pinks had sucked in his chest and now stood with his arms across his huge chest. His eyes were glaring directly at the officer. I could see him blinking eratically and beads of sweat were trickling down his brow. It had been an impressive performance but I could see some cracks forming, he wouldn’t be able to hold it together for too much longer.

The officer had clearly been taken aback by this outburst. He listened intently and made motions to interject, but Pinks steam-rolled him. His taught skin was reddening.

“Ok… well… we’ll have to investigate this further. Your statement will be recorded and considered, but you’ll have to come down to the station.”

The other officer hadn’t said a word but was still nodding in vehement agreement with his partner.
I also hadn’t said anything. This was due mainly to a fear that if I opened my mouth I’d projectile vomit over the two cops. My head was spinning, but shit, I didn’t want to go to the station. We had stuff to do.

“I don’t think so officer.” I said.

To be continued…

04 – the quick and the dead

Pinks began showering me with abuse, calling me a hippy and an idealist. He was getting into the left lane trying to find the exit off the Harbour Bridge. Pinks loved his car and prided himself on his driving ability. I was always wairey of people who claimed to be good drivers, they always drove fast and often died in car crashes.

He turned left into Park st., then, as he turned the wheel, he had only a moment to react. The cars in front were all stopped and we were coming in fast. There was a squeal of burning tyres as he locked up the brakes, we were flying straight at the rear end of the car in front, Pinks swerved to the right which sent the car sideways but missed the car in front by millimetres. Now we were sliding out of control on the wrong side of the road. An Audi coming the other way was forced to swerve to avoid us as our car did a smoky, high speed 360 degree turn. Pinks wrestled with the steering wheel as two lanes of traffic came towards us.

I was cowering in shocked disbelief in the passenger seat. I was gripping onto the car door with white knuckles. It all happened in an instant but as we spun I got a glimpse of Circular Quay and the harbour bridge. Framed by a full moon and the full array of city lights I couldn’t help but think how incredible this city is. The bridge spanning across the perfect form of the deep water harbour, the harbours contours and bays couldn’t have been designed better, the concentration of residents on it shores were testament to this. At the same time I couldn’t help but think how much more attractive it would be without the bridge, without the high rise apartment buildings and the radiation from so many lights.

This thought was soon replaced by the realisation that we were hemmed in. On one side was the row of cars that we’d swerved to avoid and on the other a gutter and a line of buildings. Pinks was leaning hard on the wheel now, he’d reverse locked the tyres and we were sliding sideways. If we had more room we could have simply slid to a stop but two lanes of traffic were closing in. My quick mental calculation said neither we, nor the oncoming traffic, would stop in time to avert a crash.

I looked over at Pinks. His eyes were open wide, his pupils were dilated so much that no colour showed and the whites of his eyes were bulging, they looked like two eggs frying in a pan with the dilated pupils like some sort of rotten yolk. His nostrils were flared and his teeth were bared and grinding together.

The car was beginning to slow as Pinks got the skid under control, but we were within metres of colliding with the oncoming traffic, in a bizarre feat of control Pinks wrenched the wheel in the opposite direction. His hands flew over the wheel, they jerked the wheels in the opposite direction and the car whipped itself into a fish-tail skid, it sent both of us flying into the drivers side window but now the other side of the car was sliding forward, suddenly Pinks let go of the wheel. I gasped with shock as the wheel unwound itself like a propeller. The car drifted as it rotated 180 degrees, Pinks grabbed the wheel. Now we were sliding backwards. I was frozen in terror, bracing myself with my arms against the cars consol. I felt a sickening thump run through the car like a shockwave and then in an instant… we were stopped.

My head whipped against the head rest as I heard the flow of traffic fly past us. That was the flow of traffic that we were meant to have collided with. How did we… where were we? What did we hit? It took a moment to shake off the shock but i looked across at Pinks, he was leaning deep back into his seat. He calmly put a cigarette between his lips, lit it and as he exhaled he looked at me with a grin. “Shit ‘ey, that was pretty close, told you i was a good driver.” Looking past Pinks I could see the traffic flying past his window. Then I looked out through my window there was nothing but a brick wall, we were facing back towards where we had come from.

I’d had to clamber out through the driver’s door because the car was close to the wall on my side. Standing on the footpath in front of the car we could see the line of skid marks that mapped our high speed route across the freeway. In the final moments of the skid Pinks had managed to swing the car around to the other side which sent us backwards but towards the curb, we’d hit the gutter and bounced to a stop with little time or space to spare.

We were both surprisingly relaxed about the ordeal. It might have been the pingers that we had taken less than an hour earlier but either way we were both really thirsty. It turned out we had skidded to a halt just metres before the door to a pub. We reasoned that it wouldn’t be safe to move the car till the traffic slowed after midnight so we headed in for a schooner.

“This is why you can’t talk about cars bro, bad things happen when you get all negative.” Pinks was onto his third beer and was still blaming my lecture about the evils of cars as being the catalyst for our near miss.

“Maybe so, but that just shows how dangerous cars are, and cars driven by you are the worst of all. I mean look at how you park!” I said.

We kept going on like this for a good hour more, we were getting increasingly lairey when a couple of cops walked into the pub. We watched them wander over to the bar. After a few words the bartender looked in our direction and pointed the cops towards us. “Shit!” i muttered as we both quickly snapped our gaze away from the cops. It was an incredibly incriminating reaction but we were pretty drunk right now and still buzzing from the drugs so it was to be expected.

Pinks took a deep breath, he looked towards me with eyes completely dilated, he had a white crusty build up around the sides of his mouth as he slurred, “Jus’ be cool, i’ll handle the pigs.”

“Shit” i muttered again.

To be continued…

03 – Cars

“Have you seen the price of petrol this week bro, it’s so fuckin’ cheap, it’s down to like a buck a litre!” shouted Pinks over the booming bass coming out of the speakers and the flurry of wind coming through the windows. He had a tight grip on the wheel and was looking furtively from side to side, his teeth were clenched and his eyes were narrow and squinted.

“I haven’t owned a car for fuckin’ ages so I don’t really give a shit.” I replied.

“Well fuck you, I have to fuel this beast and you’re never shy of getting a lift. Fuel was so goddam expensive at the beginning of last year, it was killing me!” Shouted Pinks.

“Dude why are you whinging to me. If you can’t deal with petrol prices then don’t drive your car. I appreciate you giving me a lift but we coulda caught the bus.”

“Fuck man, where do you get this shit from? I gotta drive my car, it’d take an hour to get over to Milly’s on the bus.” said Pinks.

“You don’t NEED a car, nobody NEEDS a car. Yeah its real goddam convenient but you gotta admit its pretty lazy driving everywhere.” I said.

“Are you calling me lazy?” Pinks said as he ground his teeth together in a sick looking grimace.
“I’m calling this whole car culture lazy. I mean it’s clear how much damage cars are doing. Look at how many people die on the roads every year, look at the ugly mess of tarmac taking over the city and let alone the fumes from burning petrol. We all know how abrasive it is but we keep on driving, happy to ignore the consequences simply because it’s so godam convenie. Look out the window, half these cars have one person in them, huge chunks of metal for one dude. If all these people rode bikes we’d solve the fuel crisis, the climate change crisis and the obesity epidemic in one fell swoop.” I said.

I was starting to feel a little light headed. The wind was blowing into my face through the open window. I had to squint and my eyes were running but it was cool and the way it flowed through my hair sent tingles down my spine.
to be continued…